السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركلته
Firstly, I would like to say to myself...
What kind of title is this??
"An Afternoon of Many Things (in My Mind)"
And my answer to that will be...
It's my title, about my life, for once, sheesh, I just want to write about myself!
This is the post clinical symptoms of the end of this semester and the pre clinical symptoms of exam week...
Welcome to my world, readers of ummu hurairah's blog...(ahah..haha..)
Where to begin?
Allright. Where shall I start with this list of many things on my mind?
Well, just finished halaqah exam of 30 minutes.
Then went to "usrah" for a few hours.
Just finished eating lunch (at 3 o'clock).
But you know what...arrghh where am I going with this??
But that's the point you know.
WHERE ARE WE GOING IN THIS LIFE?
I mean, WHAT ARE WE DOING ON THIS EARTH?
Perhaps, what I really mean is, what is our PURPOSE here, on this earth and in this life...
About goals and destination
Just like me here, when you don't have a goal, or when you don;t set one, you tend to be lost. Hey, you WILL be lost.
You'll be lost for words.
You won't know what to say.
You won't know what to write.
Like I said, like me. I'll ramble on aimLESSly, unless I choose to focus on something right now.
Allright, today I'll spare you my ramblings and will choose a topic to focus on.
Dear readers and sahabahs (friends),
I have always believed one thing.
That, whenever I learnt something new, whenever I get a new information, or whenever I renewed my information about something, be that information is big or small, as long as it is knowledge;
I believed it is Allah Taala who is teaching me.
Indirectly, of course.
Allah al-`Alim (the Most Knowledgeable) is the owner of all the knowledge in this world, is what I believe.
That He Knows the knowledge that we can obtain in this physical world, and also the knowledge on the unseen (غائب - pronounced "ghaib").
That all the knowledge of this time, and the time before us, and also the time to come (future), combine all the knowledge of the past generations from the start of time itself, until the end of time, bundle everything together.....is just a drop, in His ocean of knowledge.
That's why, when I feel I have obtained some new knowledge, I feel that it is Allah trying to teach me something.
Trying here, is not Him trying because He is weak or uncapable.
But trying to teach me, because I may or may not listen to Him.
That's why I'm using the word "trying". It is not Allah Taala who is weak, it is me.
So, the story today was...
Yes, today, Allah Taala is trying to teach me something, through my mentor/naqibah - Kak Sarah. Naqibah is the person conducting or leading the usrah, which is sort of a group of people coming together in the pursuit of understanding Islam more, than what is already taught. Seeking something extra, you might say. (Although, this is a very bad definition of usrah...haha...you should try to find out for yourself)
That's ummu hurairah all right.
Yawning when the sun is high up in the sky.
Can you believe it? (yeah I can)
I was sleepy...real sleepy.
But just ask anyone, even my secondary school teacher once said this to my dad when he came visiting me at school one time,
"Oh, you're the father of ummu hurairah (not real name!), the one who ALWAYS SLEEP IN CLASS?"
aiya...malunya (so shameful)
Yes, that's me.
Anyway, I still struggled to keep awake and did manage to get useful inputs, if I could just make out my handwriting, which now looks like wriggling worms on paper...(haha)
But at one point.
I was suddenly awake.
What was it that DID wake me?
List of targets
It was a list of things.
List of targets, more like.
Ibadah which can get us closer to prophet Muhammad SAW..
Here is the list...
1. Tilawah (reciting al-Quran)
2. Qiam al-lail (waking up in the middle of the night, preferably the last 1/3 of the night, to perform sunat prayers)
3. Solat sunat rawatib (sunat prayers before and after fardu prayers)
5. Solat sunat dhuha ( a special prayer usually done in mid-morning)
6. Riadah (exercise)
7. Reading Ma'thurat
Now the weird question you might be asking is; what's so special about the list, that it acts like caffeine to my mind?
It became an eye-opener, when Kak Sarah started to place targets on them.
Well, of course she asked our opinions. I didn't mind that.
What I did mind was that, I felt forced to do them.
For a split second, my heart hardened.
Really, I could almost feel it hardened.
For those that knew me well, they would know that the number one thing i disliked most was; FORCE.
I hated force.
Maybe because I was never forced to do anything.
My mom and dad, were always kind to me. As I grew older, I felt it was sometimes TOO kind. To the point that I hated anything I felt forced to do.
One of the ayah/verse in al-Quran which I liked is:
"لا اكراه في الدين قد تبين الرشد من الغى"
- There is no force in religion (there is no force to enter/embrace Islam). It is clear the true path from the wrong path... (Surah al-Baqarah : ayah 256)
That's one of the best things I like about Islam, about Allah. and that is He never forces His `abd /servants towards Islam. What He does do is, He slowly calls us to Him, through al-Quran. He patiently waits for us to return to Him. He is the Most Caring (الرحيم - pronounced ar-Rohim) towards us, if you really ponder. At least, this is what I believe.
That is my nature. I don't.like.force.
So you can just imagine, the feeling of my heart, when I was suddenly asked to do ibadah that I wasn't prepared to do.
Because for me, when you set a target, you must set one that you know it is within your capabilities of achieving it.
I know I'm not capable to do Qiam al-lail even once a week.
That's why I felt forced when Kak Sarah asked around, about the suitable target that all of us feels capable of doing.
and I said it then and there. "Kak Sarah, it feels heavy to do."
I said it. I was actually saying the feeling of my heart. Weirdly enough, it did feel heavy. Astaghfirullah al-azim.
I know myself best, I said to myself.
But, you know what?
Somebody else knew better.
Somebody I mentioned earlier, at the beginning of this post.
Someone suitable to His name.
It's time to upgrade
Yes, Allah al-`Alim knows me better.
In fact, He knows all of us best.
Better than we know ourselves.
After the usrah ended, I opened my heart's feelings to Kak Sarah. That's another thing about me. I'm just honest. No, I'm not feeling proud or anything. In fact, sometimes being too honest is not good. That's what people say anyway.
For me, I couldn't do it any other way. I said what I had to say.
I said that I felt forced to do all those ibadah. I said, I am not the type to set targets, even in exams, I don't set goals. Maybe because I was scared that my results won't be as what I hoped for. So when I don't set goals/don't have high hopes, I was happy in accepting whatever I got. That was how I lived, for the past 20 years. (okey, minus baby years haha)
I said further, I was happy in doing little ibadahs as long as I am istiqamah in doing it. Istiqamah means being consistent and persistent in doing something. For example, praying (du`a) before sleeping and after waking up. Those are the kinds of ibadah I know, am capable of doing. And I said, I know I am slow, but this is how I am comfortable in practicing Islam. Sometimes I would wait a long time just to make myself comfortable in doing some ibadahs, even months, maybe even a year. Because to me, that's when sincerity/ikhlas will come. When you are ikhlas, then you don't need to be forced to do those ibadahs. You know, you would be just be happy when doing it.
I let it all out.
Because I couldn't bear to keep it in, when it would be best to let it out.
And you know, all the while I was looking at her (Kak Sarah), she just nodded and listened concernedly.
Then she said some things, which this time, kept me awake...
If the first time she introduced the targets, I was awake for one moment.
Then this time, her words KEPT me awake...which I hope, for the rest of my life...
"I understand, and I know that istiqamah is good. In fact, yes, prophet Muhammad SAW said that the best things that Allah Taala loves is things done with istiqamah, even small."
"But just think, prophet Muhammad SAW also said that his ummah's age ranges from 60-80 years roughly. How old are we now? 20-22. Haven't we lived 1/3 of our lives already? How many more years do we think we will live? that knowledge is beyond us. I would still like to 'force' this because this is the only time we have (time when we are still studying). Because after this, we may have other commitments that will make us unable to have so much free time anymore."
I said, " Is it wrong to do small things with istiqamah?"
She replied, "No, of course not. But trust me when I say, we will regret not pushing ourselves to do more (ibadah) when we get to akhirah. Because dunia (this world) is for planting. And akhirah (hereafter) is where we are going to harvest the fruits."
Yes, I was.
I couldn't continue beyond "I was".
My words just stopped.
And I could feel my heart becoming flesh again (lembut semula).
In the end...
In the end, I accepted.
The fact that I couldn't stay like this forever.
Not having targets.
Just accepting whatever life throws at you.
Well, in one aspect, it is not bad. Not bad at all.
But, like the words that made me speechless, "But trust me when I say, we will regret not pushing ourselves to do more (ibadah) when we get to akhirah"
Not bad, but regretful.
I don't want a regretful life.
I want, in the end, to feel content.
I want, in the end, to know that I have tried my maximum effort in reaching Jannah (paradise).
I want, in the end...to see Rasulullah SAW...in Jannatul Firdaus, the highest Jannah in akhirah.
Wanting so may things, but where is your efforte?? Hmm?
Am I ready to do Qiam al-lail?
But am I ready to TRY to fullfill the target of once a week maybe?
I think Allah knows that the time has come.
The time has come for me to change.
The time has come for me...to upgrade. (smiles)
"Let's go! One step at a time into the future, with Allah Taala as our guide. Ameen.." (poyo je aku rase..haha)