Monday, July 12, 2010

One Step Further - Into the Future

Sunday, July 12, 2010.

Assamualaikum wbt.

I have arrived.
In Kuantan.
And will be taking one more step further today, towards becoming a professional pharmacist, insya-Allah.

Oh dear.
Oh dear, dear me.
Why am I suddenly laughing..? Hello ummu hurairah, are you ok today? Hahaha.. (definitely not ok :) )

It still very early in the day. The sun is yet to come out shining the day today. The trees have yet to photosynthesize, turning CO2 into the air that we breathe in every second of every day. Birds of UIA are yet to catch the early worm.

But it is the very..perfect shall we say, the very perfect moment for me to be writing about this.
About the journey I'm about to make.

Friends, dear friends,
Let me tell you a story. Just a simple one, not too long (I hope..:) ). Well, it is my story. It is, was a story of how a little girl, small in appearance, and small of heart too, ran away.

From what?
From the harsh realities of life.

Yes, I'm not ashamed to admit it. Though, perhaps I am ashamed, a little, that I did it. But I have come to learn to forgive myself. To forgive my mistakes. Forgive, but never forget. For to move forward, however small the distance you want to move, you have to learn to do just that - forgive yourself. It is not easy. No, and perhaps it was the hardest thing I had ever learnt to do, but learn it I did, thanks to my family's, friends's and one particular friend who helped me particularly through this time's supports, and Allah Taala's help too of course.

But I also mentioned I did not forget it, didn't I? For as someone once said, "To inherit the past is to inherit the future (or something like that :) )." Mistakes, yes, maybe in some sense, I did made a mistake. Mistakes, will be what they are; mistakes. You can't change that. But, perhaps they can be something more than just mistakes. Perhaps, they can also be lessons. Reminders Experiences. Motivation. Whatever you want them to be. The choice, is yours.

For me, I'm going to let this mistake, be a constant reminder. Of what?

Of the wonderful chance that not many in this country, let alone the world, has or gets.
Of the wonderful and supportive people I am surrounded by.
Of the hard but exciting phase of life I'm in.

And of the God who I tend to forget, but never forgets me.

Well, I probably won't get into the little details of what the mistake actually is, or why it became an important part of my later life, (I'm sure), but the..just weird thing is, I think..I was meant to make that mistake.

Allright. Up till now, I kept referring to this thing in my past as "The Big Mistake that Ummu Hurairah (mother cat) Made which Almost Destroyed Her Life bla3.."

Allright. I'm gonna change that now, because that was a thing of the past. And, like I said, I have forgiven myself. So from now on I'm going to refer to this as, emm..well, any ideas people? Haha..

Well, maybe "The Weird Incident" or "the moment"..or "another chance".."the crossroad"..??

Well, maybe..."The Defining Moment".
My Defining Moment.

Why did I choose those phrases?
Well, I'm not really sure, but somehow, I think, from that moment on, I just, became, me. I, finally, after all my life of searching "Who am I", I found myself. The me that I have buried, a long time ago, because of the uncertainties of life that I faced, that I didn't know how to really deal with.

It was one special moment in time, when I thought I had made the biggest mistake ever (because at first it certainly seemed so), turned out to be ... the turning point.

The point where I suddenly stopped walking in my path of life, and turned to look down at myself. For the first time, I paid attention to myself. For the very first time, I gave myself space. A chance.

The people around me who I love very dearly; my parents, brother, sister, friends, Allah and muhammad SAW, all gave me many spaces, many chances. They, always encouraged me, always were there for me. They are the people and the God who all believed in the non-believer of self, at the time. No (shaking head), I really, did not believe in me, not one bit.

But that was before.

Like I said, that point in space and time, truly was, "My Defining Moment".

Because it was just one moment in time, just one second, that know, shock the life back into me. It was like the stories you see on Tv, where a person is in an accident and the doctor and nurses gave him that defibrillator shock on his chest..and suddenly wham! Okey, maybe not "wham" haha.. but the man's heart beat came back to life again. Yeah..(dreamy)it was something like that...

It just, opened my eyes. And my heart. To the true potential that I do have. To admit that I have a potential, that I have something to offer to myself, the people around me, and perhaps one day, the you people know how HARD that is for me? Oh no, you have no idea...

My childhood had been a difficult one. Not because nobody loved me, oh no. In fact, it was the opposite. i had the best kind of love any child could ask for. My family's.
But it was still difficult, because I didn't know how to..i don't know..just, don't know what to make of myself.

Sure I was smarter, just a littttle smarter than other kids. But that was it, I thought.
That was the only thing I have to offer the world.. (what a weird kid eh hehe). Other than that I am nothing. I'm trash, not worth living bla3...

Maybe because..I was tiny. Still am (hahaha). But, none of that matters now. Because I know now, where a person's value truly lies; in the eyes of the beholder.
In my eyes, it is my heart.

Yes, the pounding 'fist' inside every man, woman and child. If you fist your fingers, that is the approximate size of your heart. (i think, haha) It's small, isn't it? Tiny..yeah tiny reminds me of someone... (smiles)

Yes, tiny, everyone admits it. But the value, is BIG, everyone admits. And THAT, is what MATTERS.

You know that saying, "never judge a book by its cover"? Well, in the same respect, never judge a man/human by its appearance. Appearances, can be deceiving, most of the time it really is deceiving.

A brown and black coloured cat, whose brown and black are just sort of splattered across its entire body, is still a cat. It may not look much, but it meows, and snuggles to your feet, just like a cat. So in fact, it is a cat. That's a fact, you know (smiles).

Just like that, humans are too. Maybe not the most good-looking person ever, like Ozil the german player (haha..), but that's not what is really important.

I knew that. I always did. I just needed someone to shake me out of my sad and pitiful world to take a look again.
And you know the funniest thing ever? It was none other than me. Myself woke me myself up. (what kind of sentence is that )

In that point of space and time, I woke up.

Allright2, enough with "the point in space and time" (haha). Now, let's fast forward.

(zzzziiip - the sound the old video player makes when fast forwarding)

Now, I am here.

21 years old. In Kuantan. Taking a course in pharmacy in UIAM/IIUM.
And 1 hour + 3 minutes from now is my first class.

Now that's, reality check for you. Well for me really.

My new semester is about to begin.
It may be a little bit weird, joining juniors and all, plus I might have subject registration problems, all because of that "mistake" I made not so long ago. It may be all that difficult..and frustrating..not to mention STRESSFUL bla3 (all the harsh realities of being a student) might be all of them at once. But ah, who cares.

At least, I found myself. And that, dear friends, is what that really matters.

p/s: wish me luck people, and to step on stress like a tractor loves to roll in the mud (haha..weird saying) and good luck in you endeavors too. May you find true happiness in life, despite everything that has happened. Assalamualaikum.

My lovely, lovely, lovely Kulliyyah (faculty)...


khadira said...

never ever give up again..u deserve d best..lau ad nk luah, feel free to tell me..maybe i cant give a solution to it, but i can be a good listener..pliz dont let urself face everything, u still got friends and family..i'll be beside u..^;~

Ummu Hurairah said...

huhu...terharunye..tx mas :) yeah, i know you're there for mee..hehe..esp mee mamak..alamak! x order mknn lg daa

khadira said... is mee mamak again for me..x tau nk mkn ap dah..sedih sngguh