When people ask me, “Where are you from?” Or in Bahasa Malaysia, ”Awak asal mana?”, I would always pause for a moment. Then I would answer, “You can say I’m from Kuala Lumpur or Kedah or Terengganu.” Then the person would say,”Wow, there’s so many answers. Which one is it?”
Actually all three are correct. I was born in Kuala Terengganu and lived there for some time. Then, we moved to KL because dad was transferred there. I remembered that I schooled in standard one for about 3 or was it 6 months in Sek Ren Al-Amin, then I was moving again. This time to Pinang Tunggal, a quiet, peaceful little place with tonnes of fresh air. That’s in Kedah. When I started standard five, we moved, AGAIN, but we didn’t left the state. We simply said, ”Bye-bye Pinang Tunggal and hello Bedong.”
Ok, I know. Bedong? Is it in Perak? Or isn’t it in Sarawak? Well, yes and no. Bedong is quite a common name for places in Malaysia, but this Bedong is in Kedah. It’s between Sungai Petani and Gurun. Ooo..now I know. Cakapla Sungai Petani, yang tu orang tahula..
Yeah,yeah. Bedong is really not famous, not even in Kedah. When I got there the first time, I felt like I was entering a cowboy town. The shops still used the 80’s buildings. And would you believe it, the old train station from the time of MY MOTHER was still there, just like it used to be.
Mom said, “This place never changes. It is like this then and is still the same now” while sighing. No argument there.
Coincidentally, Bedong is where my mother was born. Neat, huh? I think my mother loved the times we lived there, because her school was only ten minutes drive from home. Yes, she’s a teacher. She always said she missed living there…Huh? What do I mean by “missed living there?”. Oh wait, I forgot to tell you that AGAIN, we moved BACK TO KL. Because of Dad, of course.
Now, let me make a summary. In my 20 years of living, I’ve moved one, two…four! Yes, FOUR TIMES IN 20 YEARS. Wow. That’s some record.
So, there you have it. I can be from Terengganu or Kedah or KL. Depends on the question. But I usually say I’m from KL.
So, what’s the purpose of all this talk about moving?
Actually I don’t know.
I think I was just thinking the word “moving”. Moving can be physically as well as mentally.
Physically means moving from one place to another, just like when my family had that “moving Fever” back then. (haha)
But moving mentally means you yourself are changing. Changing to be a better student, maybe. Changing your life style, your hobbies, or whatever.
And right now I seem to be right in the middle of the changing zone.
Lately, I felt like all my past life is being made a movie. And I’m the only audience.
Watching your own flashback can be very painful. There were a lot of things that I regretted doing, wishing I could undo it all. Like being a better daughter. Caring about others more and myself less. Doing things for my own sake, not because to please other people. I really suffered back then.
I was sad. Depressed. Nothing in life makes me happy. Feel like giving up living. Why? Why live at all when there’s nothing to live for?
(Chuckles). But that’s the thing about pasts. They are already PAST. There’s nothing you can do about it.
So, this morning, after many months ‘watching my childhood cinema’. I “woke up”. Suddenly, I knew what’s the problem. I knew what I had to do.
I HAVE TO MOVE ON.
I said to myself this morning(no, I’m not crazy), “What the heck was I thinking? Stop dreaming. Stop it F*****h. Stop looking into the past for answers. THEY’RE NOT THERE. You’ve been living in the past ALL THIS TIME. That’s why you can’t see the great and wonderful things that are happening around you. That’s why nothing makes you happy. YOU’VE BEEN SEARCHING AT THE WRONG PLACES. YOU NEED TO MOVE ON”.
You need to move on…You need to move on…You need to move on…
It echoed in my head.
Suddenly everything was clear. No more sadness. No more confusions. After all, why confuse yourself with something that you can’t even touch anymore?
You can’t change what’s already happened. You CANT TURN BACK TIME. And even if you could, would things have really changed? Or would it have been of WORSE?
It could’ve been worse. Or it could’ve been better. But hey, it’s still a 50-50 chance. I don’t want to mess up my life because it’s already in a mess.
So, what should I do so that it ISN’T MESSY ANYMORE?
MOVE ON. That’s what I should do.
Hasan Al-Banna, a great man and muslim who is greatly admired by muslim youngsters including yours truly, once said, “When a person is moving from one phase to another, that is the most important time of his life”.
Like ipin always say, “Betul3x!”
True. I feel this is the most important phase of my life. I’m moving from a kid to an adult. I start to realize of the responsibilities I hold for my own life. I never cared before. But now I do. It means I’m changing. It means I’m moving.
I feel like a caterpillar in its pupa…waiting to come out and see the world… Will I have wings? What colour are they? The future..my future is yet to unfold..so full of uncertainties..I hope, no, I want to embrace my future with open arms. I want to challenge my future and battle my way to old age.
I want to be the butterfly..graceful and beautiful..soaring to the blue sky of the future.. finally out of her pupa of her past.